Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
