Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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