she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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