I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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