pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
