i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
