If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
