First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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