Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I can feel your judgement through the phone
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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