no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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