My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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