Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
