if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize