I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
