Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Alive.
So much puke
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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