I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
