so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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