I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
