i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
