did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
