you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
