If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
