Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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