my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize