it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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