can we get nightvision for the apartment?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
