im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
