and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
