I wish I only lived at night.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize