This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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