Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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