So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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