I bet he comes in French.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
