I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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