i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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