So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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