we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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