I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
