My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Come on in and take your pants off
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