My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize