i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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