Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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