Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
