So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
