Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
