It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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