my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
