you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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