____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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