I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
