Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
