He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
