She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
