Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
