yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
