anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
