youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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