When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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