He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize