I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
