Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
