I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
They took my balls.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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