I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
