i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
