i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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