He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
