There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
